SUBJ LOC VIA SATPHONE
(SANTA CLARITA) It has come to the attention of this bureau that the United States does not exist west of the Mississippi. This is shamefully obvious in the recent picks by the presidential candidates of their running mates; one from Indiana, the other from New Jersey, correction, Virginia.
Sorry about that, it's hard to place any of those states back east, there's so many of them and they all talk with funny accents. And the candidates didn't even look west to the shores of the Pacific for a suitable running mate.
It's where all the potheads live, home of the Berkeley radicals, and Nixon and Trump (correction again, Reagan), and above all, Moonbeams, the California governor.
Both of the conventions are back east, the one in Cleveland just finished up last week. The other one is in Philly. Like there aren't any cities out west, just cowtowns like Los Angeles, Denver, Seattle and San Francisco.
All this talk about who's who in the Washington beltway, well it starts in Chicago and goes all the way to New York City. What does it all remind me of, you guessed it, taco sauce, that's right sauce...
SEND OUT TO SOLDIER & HECTOR CURRENTLY ON THE TRAIL FOR FATIMA....